By Zoe Smith

A crisp breeze of air sweetly challenges the mountain of layers that protects my bare skin. Ahead lies white blankets of crystallised flakes wrapping their arms over ever-expanding patches of farmland. Dustings of sifted icing lay on top, reflecting glimmers of rich honey-like rays into my waking eyes. On top of the fields, situated like a village of friendly neighbours, deciduous trees chatter among themselves in the absence of their beloved leaves. Each tree guards the circular base in a soldier-like form and in the heart of them, elegantly soaring into the blended sea overhead, a sleepy yet spirited, lava gushing tower engulfs my attention. The volcano lay asleep, the opening at the top thickly coated in diamonds of ice that melts in small droplets at the touch of my heated hands. Heat escapes the frozen sheet and rises, merging with another source of hot steam. This cloud rising so cleanly, that it could be a cartoon. The natural pool of slightly-milky water that it creeps out of is then spotted. A perfect accompaniment to my sighting is a spoiled egg aroma painting the inside of my nose. Flavours of salty minerals dance cohesively between each other and willingly I soak them up. The steam from the naturally heated water rests high and from there I can listen to the silence. A silence left by the ice-fleeing birds, and instead, an echo of dainty gnawing fills the space. The sound leads my gaze to a creature with extraordinarily long and attentive ears, and with a body engulfed in a fiery, red, fur coat. It’s only proof of its existence was the delicately placed prints left behind, tiny chunks stolen from the frosted layer. I follow the trail created by the squirrel all the way to a mountainous chunk. Similar in size to the resting volcano, but this one had discovered the effects of human colonisation and boasted activities for the thrill-seekers. Machinery moaned as it creaked and clunked, slowly waking and warming up to the morning sun. Quickly, it was smooth running and offering the opportunity to explore the wonderland to the snow-craving tourists. The running chair was closely followed by a powerful but still-body of water layered with shards of clear ice and opaquely white snow. Shrills of joy rang through the valley like bell-towers as the previous night’s snow-fall was unveiled, and just like that, everyone was awake.

Months go on and the snow that once dusted everything in a thick coat, slowly liquifies and migrates to welcoming bodies of trickling water that would eventually capture the months filled with dry heat.

My throat was awoken parched from the hot, moistureless air, a glass of spring water licked it back into shape and soon I spotted the peeping, golden sun slowly arising with a smile as sweet as honey. Standing there only in a light tee, the warm air embraced me whilst nectar and pollen wafted along with it. Laying beneath the emerging golden rays, was a large stretch of vibrant, leafy grass, stacked high creating a maze beneath. Partying in and above the maze were hundreds of smiling, bulbous faces with sweetly, yellow petals and long arms. Their faces tilted towards the sun and arms reached out, welcoming the new day. Each sunflower generously donated flurries of golden dust, individually picked up by the morning breeze and carried along to a harmonising melody. Floating voices chirp and sing joyously, sitting just above my head, surrounding me with a soothing circle of music. The magnificent bodies of rich-chocolate bark, sit pleasantly with their hands open, acting as a shelter to the recently-returned inhabitants, the ones who brought the music. Next to the trees, I stand at the base of the sleeping beauty, a forest of green slowly transitions into a dark emerald as the volcano climbs higher and higher. Delicately clumped feathers gracefully float around the top of the giant in a condensed vapour mist that slowly gravitates towards a rapid of flooding water. The water is so clear, I can see the polished rocks far beneath the surface. Droplets of water splash against my body as an air-filled boat thunders past, leaving behind a distinct echo of giggles in its path.

Although the winter chills and the summer parch will challenge the beaming smiles, the beauty within this place allows joy and happiness to blossom.

Join the conversation! 2 Comments

  1. Hi Zoe,

    You look like you have made a productive start- well done!

    I encourage you to:

    Extend some of your ideas past a single sentence. You do this particularly well in your opening lines but then it seems to drop away and your piece becomes a list of everything you can see.

    Vary your sentence lengths and arrangements. Currently, this is a collection of complex sentences. Consider how you can employ other structures (minor, simple etc.) for effect. It will also help the writing feel less listed.

    There seems to be a lack of cohesion in your timeframes at the moment. Look to build a consistent tone and mood in each of your timeframes. You can do this by selecting language and using devices that are connected by the same theme or idea.

    Mrs. P

    Reply
  2. Hi Zoe,

    During your final hours of this assessment, I encourage you to:

    Edit your work for technical accuracy. At the moment, you have some issues with tense and some errors in your grammar.
    At times you are doing a fair amount of ‘telling’. Look to reduce your use of phrases such as “there was” and select strong language that implies some of the details you are looking to develop.
    Your piece lacks consistency at the moment. There are some beautiful images in here currently but they get interrupted by some clumsy phrases.

    Mrs. P

    Reply

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